Anthems. Germany’s wearing their other, funny-looking jersey. Oh look, David Luiz and Júlio César are holding a Neymar No 10 jersey up in tribute. Sniff. The entire stadium is shouting out Brazil’s anthem at the top of their lungs and it’s all very emotional. Sniff SNIFF.
You’d need binoculars to spot the German fans in the crowd. A mite outnumbered, I’d say.
Coin toss. Kickoff. And we’re off. WHOOP!
Sort of a funny match at the moment. Everybody’s passes going everywhere. Brazil’s players in particular might want to get their eyes checked for colour-blindness.
Germany effortlessly clearing any half-hearted attempts at their goal. Neuer the sweeper- er…keeper – probably a bit bored.
Müller scores! Brazil 0-1 Germany. Brazil getting a bit more desperate but nothing coming out of it.
Klose scores for Germany. He breaks some record. 0-2 is going to be very hard for Brazil to recover from, especially if they continue playing like this.
WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.
Kroos, Kroos AGAIN, Khedira. 0-5 for Germany in the span of 6 minutes.
Julio Cesar, Luiz and Dante are all either zombies or sleepwalking, Marcelo’s defensive strategy begins and ends with him just running into his own net each time. Khedira, Kroos, Özil are generously setting up neat goals for each other while the Brazil players are busy tripping over their own shoelaces.
Brazil stumbles and fumbles, and Germany is totally unforgiving, taking advantage of every error. Löw’s side is ruthless and precise, but that’s nothing new. The German attack is fluid, smart, and unselfish. And the Brazilian defenders just have no idea how to respond.
10 minutes to go for half-time. This is agony. So, uhh, where does FIFA stand on declaring forfeit?
Sure, I can stop watching and go curl up in a corner, but what about poor Oscar, Fred, Hulk, and that tiny new kid Bernard? What about Thiago Silva and his adorable schoolboy cap, for heaven’s sakes, sitting right there in the box watching this carnage? What about the hundreds of wailing Brazilian fans with their smudged face-paint and torn up flags?
Half-time. How does any coach go about addressing a team that’s 5 goals down?
Second half. Neuer finally getting to touch the ball as Oscar and Paulinho give him some trouble.
Müller happily trotting past the Brazil defence time and again. Doesn’t take long for newly substituted Shürrle to score for Germany. 0-6.
Fans turning on their favourite players. Crowd booing the home team. Players shouting at one another. Scolari pointing at his eyes (“Start crying, maybe Germany will pity you” ??).
Shürrle AGAIN. Supporters in canary yellow in the stands now applauding his sublime performance. If you can’t beat ’em…
The scoreline flashes on the screen, and the list is actually forced to scroll upwards to display the names of the all German goal-scorers.
Germany isn’t paying attention for a moment and Oscar slips one into the net. Brazil 1-7 Germany. Woohoo. Germans being Germans and furious about this tiny slip-up.
Final whistle. Players on both sides somewhat bewildered.